


Twist and Shout

by nenya_kanadka



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, IN SPACE!, Kama Sutra, M/M, Multi, Multiple Sex Positions, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-02 03:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13309896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nenya_kanadka/pseuds/nenya_kanadka
Summary: "Well, between us we've got enough legs for it.""—but not quite enough arms.""In case you haven't noticed, Doctor, none of us have tentacles of any sort!"





	Twist and Shout

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ravenskyewalker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenskyewalker/gifts).



"My dear Brigadier," said the Doctor, sounding just a touch out of breath, "I simply cannot operate under these conditions." 

There was a strangled sound and the rustle of fabric. "Doctor, _you_ may be able to stand on your head and lick the back of your partner's calf at the same time, but we mere humans--" 

"If you could remove your elbow from certain sensitive parts, Brigadier, I—oof!"

A woman's voice came from somewhere near the Doctor's left ankle. "Bend your knee a bit—no, the other one—ow!" A thump and a clatter, and startled laughter drifted up from the floor. " _That_ didn't work." 

Silence. Then, "Whose idea was it in the first place to kill time waiting for this...this..." 

A grunt, as of someone large trying to breathe while a bit squashed. "The coronation of Xanmit IX." 

"...the coronation of this alien monarch, by undertaking this ridiculous series of—Doctor, my ears are quite firmly attached; do stop trying to pull them off."

Further sounds of fabric shifting, and the creak of furniture as the party on the floor climbed back into the giant bed. "Well, between us we've got enough legs for it."

The squashed mutter again: "But not quite enough arms." 

"Here," a slight scuffle, "could you reach the instructional booklet again, Miss Shaw? I believe it's just over my—"

"Mmm." A breath. "You may as well call me Liz, you've got your face somewhere quite inappropriate for 'Miss Shaw'." A crinkle of space-age paper. "There, I've got—ooh—yes—!" 

Extended lull in speech, punctuated by rapid breathing and increasingly ecstatic sighs. Vocalizations rising in pitch and enthusiasm. Then:

"My dear Alastair, I quite share your appreciation of the female anatomy, but a knee to my diaphragm is—mmph!" 

"Sorry, that was me." Liz was rather out of breath, but there was more than a bit of a satisfied purr to her voice. "I've got the pamphlet now." 

"My respiratory bypass thanks you." Springs creaked. "Ah, there's our difficulty. One's meant to _kluffle_ their partner's _flellem_ , you see." 

" _Flellem?_ " Two humans in chorus, the higher voice curious, the lower with a _what now?_ intonation. 

"A sort of external rear tentacle. Quite pleasurable when applied appropriately." 

A deep masculine sigh. "In case you haven't noticed, Doctor, none of us have tentacles of any sort." 

"Now, now, Alistair. I've always found that ingenuity and adaptability will take you far in interspecies contact. For example—" 

The sound of flesh on flesh, and "Doctor—!" followed by a hearty baritone moan. 

A pause. "Oh, I see, Doctor. You've substituted a more anterior appendage for the Venusian _flellem_. Very instructive." 

"Indeed." A low chuckle from the Time Lord, then a further creak to the bedsprings and a sharp intake of breath. "Quite right, Miss Sh—Liz—" 

"I thought I'd make my own attempt." An amused, triumphant tone, in contrast to the Doctor's sudden struggle for coherence. "Now, if I were to do _this_ instead—" 

The words faded into a medley of organic noises. Eventually the Brigadier appeared to try to speak, only to be quelled by the sounds of kissing, which were in turn broken up by fervent exclamations in Gallifreyan—and English—as various experiments were performed and proxies for Venusian body parts sought out. 

At last, with a final series of cries from Liz, cresting in a euphoric "Oh, _Doctor!_ " a warm calm descended on the party. 

Eventually Liz yawned. "I don't think we needed those instructions after all." 

"Yes, quite ingenious." The Brigadier's voice was unusually relaxed and languid. "I must say, Doctor, you're quite acrobatic for a man of your years." 

"And with quite a lot of stamina," Liz put in. 

"Thank you, my dears." Muffled sounds of several bodies making themselves comfortable. "Though my younger self could have contributed even further to the proceedings." 

"Oh?"

"Why, with suitable musical accompaniment." 

"That blasted recorder!" 

"The Venusians have these tunes, you know, a new one for each position in the book. The one we were attempting is quite suited to the recorder. I'm sure I have it around here somewhere—if you'll stop impersonating an octopus for a moment, Brigadier, I can—" 

"I most certainly will not." Sounds of scuffle. "Miss Shaw, would you please sit on the man before he does something we shall all regret?"

"Of course; I've wanted to do that for months." Further scuffling, followed by the sound of a body hitting a pile of pillows, then a resumption of earlier rustling noises. 

Some time later, the Doctor conceded, "All right, all right. You've made your point. I was wrong." Expectant silence greeted this remark, as if two pairs of eyebrows made matching journeys up two foreheads. He elaborated, "Between the two of you, you have quite enough arms for any purpose imaginable." 

The Brigadier laughed, and Liz said, "Even the Venusian Kama Sutra, Doctor?" 

Sounds of the mattress shifting beneath three companionable bodies. Crinkle of space-age paper unfolding. A meditative "Hmm" or two. 

"Why don't we find out? This one seems a little simpler—" 

_"Doctor!"_


End file.
